


Crystal Soul

by HobiTia



Series: Stand Tall [2]
Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:55:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25778524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HobiTia/pseuds/HobiTia
Summary: When the doors closed, my whole world fell apart. How could I ever forget him, when every part of him was imprinted onto my very own being? / Small one shot about my WoL's complicated feelings towards his lover, G'raha Tia. End game Shadowbringers spoilers. Angsty. Told in first person.
Relationships: G'raha Tia | Crystal Exarch/Warrior of Light
Series: Stand Tall [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1869355
Comments: 4
Kudos: 6





	Crystal Soul

**Author's Note:**

> H'elios is the name of my WoL, he's a sunseeker miqo and a dancer. Him and G'raha Tia were childhood friends, pretty much all you need to know to enjoy.  
> English is not my first language, so I'm sorry for any mistake!

When the doors closed, my whole world fell apart. It's as if everything we lived, everything we said to each other, every promise we made, was for nothing. The loud noise the metal did echoed through my chest and left me speechless. I couldn't believe it. For a brief moment, I simply stood there. Not moving, not saying anything, not even taking a breath. It's as if I forgot how to even _live_. Eyes wide open. Cid and the others left soon enough, understanding I wouldn't move from this spot for at least some hours. It didn't take hours to make me leave. It took days.

As I finally remembered I had to actually take air into my lungs to avoid dying, the tears came. All of a sudden, my vision was blurry. I fell to my knees, and begged. It wasn't going to do anything, but still. I already begged him before the doors closed. I kept on doing it after. As if he would hear me. I don't know if he did. And to be honest, I don't know either if I wanted him to hear it anyway. Even if he did, would that make things better? Knowing he probably suffered to hear my pleas. … In fact, maybe it does make me feel better.

I scratched the big metal doors, again, and again, until my fingers bled. I slept there, as if it was possible the doors would open any time soon because he would have regrets leaving me alone and ended up going back on his decision. They never moved. Not even an inch. Not in the few days following, not in the years following. He left me alone, for good. I kept hearing his sweet voice, purring love into my ears when I needed it so much. Feeling his hands gently stroking my hair, or our fingers intertwining as we looked at the stars together some nights.

I keep hearing it. Every word is graved into my heart, piercing through it as each second without him simply reminds me how worthless this probably all felt to him. "You know, this stupid promise we made when we were kids? Getting married? Well I don't think it was that stupid. Let's do it when we're done here with Project Noah."  
  
And I said yes. Why? I shouldn't have said it. I shouldn't have believed him… I screamed, waking up. Fell asleep there. In front of those metallic doors. Still firmly shut. How many days? I had no idea. At some point, Cid and the others tried to move me away, to bring me back, but I struggled so hard they gave up. I couldn't leave. The doors will open. They will. When I'm not there. I was so afraid. Terrified. Pain, everywhere. My heart, my body, my soul even. How could he have this effect on me? I thought I was strong enough to withstand everything. Didn't he say so?

How wrong he was. And how fool I was, too. When it felt like every tear I've ever had in my body had dried up on my cheeks, I heard familiar footsteps behind me, and a feminine voice trying to soothe my pain. But no one could. I was alone. Will always be. I'll die, meanwhile he'd still be locked in that damn tower. I didn't care if others needed me. All I needed was him. And he wasn't there anymore. So why would I bother. I felt Minfilia's hand stroke my hair, and suddenly, the tears were back. Can you ever run out of tears, I wondered.  
  
They finally were able to move me when I fell asleep, exhausted. It was only for a few minutes, but when I opened my eyes again, I was in a bed. For years, I wanted to understand why. Why did he feel the need to do it. Why would I never feel his lips pressing softly against mine ever again. Why was he taken away from me. Why, why, why. I tried to convince myself I was over him. Oh, trust me, I tried. But I wasn't. And I both loved and hated him for it.  
  
When I finally heard his voice again, I felt as if everything I've lived up until now was a dream. All this time, mindlessly trying to keep going without a clear goal… Maybe I fell asleep eternally in front of those doors. Or perhaps it was simply my mind playing tricks on me. Made me think it was his voice, but it was really just someone with a similar tone. I never tried to put down his hood. Deep down, I knew. I didn't want to admit it, was all. I didn't want to see him again. Because the pain would be back. As if I already knew he was going to leave me again anyway.

Funny how it was actually his original plan, right? Dying to protect us, make the Scions go back to the Source. Will you ever stop putting the whole world before you and us, I screamed. The only reply he got was watching me with this sad look on his face. I didn't care about me being his hero. I didn't care about him being a hero. All I ever wanted was staying by his side until I would die old in his arms. Seeing him again felt as if a thousand needles pierced through my heart. I was right. The pain was back. But the love, too. How could I ever make myself believe I would stop loving him for only one second?

Saving him felt unreal. No doors to keep us apart. I was going to see him again. When he stroked his arm, saying to my face he owed us all an apology, and me most especially, I was about to answer with "no shit Hildibrand", but my breath only managed to let out a "you're awake, Raha". As if I needed to myself confirm it. He was awake, in front of me. I wasn't sleeping, he was right there. I could touch him. I could hear him. Somehow, we all made it back to Cristarium without us saying anything else to each other. But I went back to the Ocular that night. Knocked, entered, closed the door behind me. We were alone. Just the two of us. He spoke first.

-"Will you ever forgive me?"

-"I don't know."

I felt so tired. Each of my instinct was trying to get me to run to him and take him into my arms, then ask for a kiss and another empty promise he wouldn't be able to keep. But suddenly, I would remember how he abandoned me in front of those doors, while I begged him to not leave me. And it was shaking me up to my core.

-"Dare I ask of you to try?"

-"… I don't know. Can you?"

-"What do you mean?"

-"Forgive yourself."

He seemed surprised. Was he even feeling regret at all?

-"I guess… I don't know either."

Maybe he was. He had this same painful look he took on earlier, when he tried to save me from the Light and I screamed at him. I thought a billion times about what I was going to say to him, if he ever woke up. But I wasn't able to come up with any of it. It all dried up. Seemed like words could dry up, unlike tears.

-"Could we try... together?"

His tone was almost hesitant. Like he knew he didn't really have the right to ask for it, but he wanted it anyway, so he still did. My lips were trembling, or maybe that was my legs. Or both. Or my whole body.

-"I-… I can't, Raha… I can't go through this again. I know you're going to-…"

A loud metal thud stopped me mid sentence. He dropped his staff. Did he even care about my answer? He knew what we both wanted. He knew we wouldn't be able to fight it. Neither I, or him. He rushed to me, took my head into his hands, and kissed me with a desperate force. His fingers felt so cold against my cheek, yet a warm feeling filled me up instantly. I was whole again. As much as I hated to admit it, he still was my whole world.

We kissed for a few seconds, and when our lips parted, I was the one asking for more. I wanted to drown in it. Kill me now, for all I cared. So that I would never forget this feeling again. I guess I was going to get hurt one more time. Hopefully maybe this time, I would end up sleeping forever by his side.


End file.
